Hic Sunt Dracones

Updated Periodically

Day 1: Had to escort a client to his hotel, which slowed down my walk home. Had to grab a tram for half of Bridge Rd to get to the church on time. Day 1 means Burger 1, “Simply Grill’d” standard beef burger (with cheese) salad (no no NO tomato) and relish. Am HOT sweaty and hungry so also get some fries (small) and mmm sweet chilli mayo. Mmmm. Burger comes out in surprisingly short order (much faster than say Burger Wisconsin seemed to manage most of the time) and it’s burnt. Or at least the top bun is. It looks “well done” but on bread, that’s burnt. However, it tastes mighty fine. The salad also looks a bit iffy, but again tastes good. And the relish, which has to fight my distrust of tomato, comes through with flying colours. Rather tasty. The chips rock out very hard. Not sure what kind of “herb mix” seasoning they use, but it is good. Nice one. To hockey!

Day 2: Late touch game so I’m the Tram king swinging from track to track on my way home. Show up with my card (arrived today) and make with the free burger. #2 is Crispy Bacon & Cheese. Given I scored free cheese yesterday (no 70c charge for a Mo Bro) this is really only yesterday plus bacon. And to be honest I was under whelmed by the bacon. Nothing wrong with it, just didn’t really do much for me. Yesterday’s burger was yummy enough that the edition of bacon didn’t really up the game much. Also got chips as I had $3.5 in my pocket burning a whole in it, and with pay day just around the corner it was time for some big ticket purchases. Take away and run home to devour on the couch watching Life. They did fail the no tomato test though. Poor form.

Day 3: Another day, another burger. Getting to Bridge Rd by 6pm is proving a little more challenging than I’d though. It is a bit tricky to rush out the door at five, and I’m normally there till about quarter past, so I’m jogging for the last bit of my walk to dinner. Mighty Melbourne is the burger for day three, building upon the last two we now have cheese, bacon and EGG. I like eggs, but I’ve never been particularly keen on them in burgers, I suspect because of the rather variable nature of eggs prepared in dodgy late night food places, such as I frequent. But I’m on a mission, so all egg all the time tonight. Also beetroot. Normally on the list of prohibited foods, it has an old school appeal to burger lovers from home, and I know my Mum fondly recalls beetroot in burgers, so I’m in like Flynn. Because Melbourne is once again cooking me I’m also up for a drink lemon Solo (which is like lift, basically lemony sugar drink. Good oh) but no fries tonight. They take a polaroid of me and my Mo. My Mo and I? And I sit and cool off. Across from me, a man with a rather excellent curly magacian’s mo is getting into his burger, the same type! Although he had his like an open sandwich and eats with a knife and fork. The poor fool.Mine arrives and it looks pretty good. The egg appears to be done to what I would consider “how it should be” and all in all a tasty treat. I wolf it down far too quickly. And feel rather fat and sassy afterwards. Messier than previous burgers, structural integrity not helped by eggs me thinks. Overall I’d say it was probably a bit more than I needed and probably wouldn’t go for it again. Though one of the guys at work swears by them.

Day 4: Tis Friday, so I gathered together the entire work “Mo Bro Team”, well the Melbourne based squadron. A mighty three members strong. And we headed off to Grill’d. By tram the whole way, ’cause that’s the corporate way don’t you know. Sadly, the other two guys, whilst knowing all about the FREE BURGERS EVERYDAY goodness, had failed to have even one. Lucky I’m doing my bit. So, burger the fourth is Summer Sunset, or Beef + Bacon + Pineapple and Avocado. And a significant helping of Avocado too. Would put Le Cafe’s $5 guacamole to shame. Not that it needed any help… stupid cafe. The guys had their burgers and we sat outside in the 28 degree heat watching the world go past.

Day 5: Bought a HOT hockey stick. It’s 42 inches of carbon fibre, kevlar and “composite” reinforced wood. It could beat you in a fight. With that done, I headed out of the city to hang with some hippies in their studio. They tried to sell me Coke zero. Fled. Returned to the city in time for FREE BURGER #5. Mustard and Pickl’d. Mustard is good. Pickles are not. Their powers combined was someone’s bad idea made burger. It won’t be going on the list of burgers to try again.

Note: 18 burgers in 18 days is still the plan, but I’m pragmatic (don’t you know) and as such will consider 14+ a victory. That’s all the non hippy vegetarian burgers covered and allows me a few days of logistical shenanigans. Hockey and touch seem to have aligned nicely, but next the weekends could be problematic. For warned is for warned.

Day 6: One Night in Bangkok… My first late afternoon burger sees some shredded carrot, coriander and satay sauce added to the burger. But not really the satay sauce you imagine, this was some kind of wannabe satay, or perhaps there just wasn’t much of it, or maybe the herbed mayo found in most Grill’d burgers was simply more in my face. Either way this burger didn’t really rate. It was a burger that just didn’t stand out in anyway. They also failed to the no no no tomato test again. Silly rabbits. I’m also getting the feeling that Grill’d aren’t making with the super A grade, export quality, yummy lettuce. There just seems to be a bit much base? stalk? “crunchy bit” rather than the leafy bit. Not sure if this is Grill’d in general, my local Grill’d or maybe even a hangover from the great lettuce drought of 2007 (Subway halved lettuce rations for a month a while back… Those inhuman monsters) So, overall the burger was a bit meh, and they could lift their game with regards to salad. Picky bastard for someone getting 18 FREE burgers am I not?

Day 7: When I showed up on day one they looked over my Mo, my Movember Reward Card email (card didn’t arrive till the next day), got me to fill in some details for them (so they can spam me Grill’d info) and gave me a little card to mark off the days I’ve collected my burger. Probably to stop me whoring around town picking up ~12 per day? If I visited all the stores. I dutifully hand over little card each day and get it marked off, but hadn’t paid much attention to it till Sunday, when I noticed that Monday was in red, rather than black. Utilising reading, and some (little) comprehension I discovered that both the Mondays were allocated to Mo Sistas – those ladies who are supporting the Mo Bros. Someone will no doubt, recognise that these should more rightly be referred to as Mo Hos, as that’s far more amusing. Yes, that someone is probably just me. On said allocated days, TWO free burgers are available. One for me, and one for you. MCS had promised to sponsor me, but hadn’t actually bothered, so a cunning use of email and “hey, sponsor me and I can get you a free burger” later, and I’m sponsored up, and we’re heading to Grill’d for free burger times two. Good times. Good times.

It being hot. And I mean DAMN hot (37? Something like the hottest November day in Melbourne for X years…) it fell to me to order the hottest burger I could find. That’s right the Hot Mamma burger. Roasted peppers, pesto, tiatziki and harissa paste. They once more failed the no no NO tomato test, but regardless, it was a yummy burger. It was also HOT. Harissa paste turns out to be rather spicy, and (according to the tubes) may be the most important item in Tunisian cuisine. Which is good to know. The result of the paste was that this burger was about as hot as the last “hot” Indian curry I had. And made a lot of sense for me to eat it on the hottest day Melbourne has so far provided for me. MCS had a Simon Says, which I’ll be trying in a few days.

Day 8: One week down, and no doubt 7Kg up. Hockey tonight, so I sneak to Grill’d care of the train rather than the traditional stroll (and possible jog to get there in time). Still stinking hot but arrive in plenty of time. Tonight sees the beginning of the chicken burgers, as I leave 95% fat free beef patties and venture towards “trimmed of all fat.” Sweet Chilli Chicken is indeed a chicken burger, with sweet chilli. Salad augmented by grated carrot. I eat it, and consider it a burger that has lived up to its name. It was chicken. It had sweet chilli. And that’s that. It was 27 this morning at 10:30, and stayed hot all day, but as I train to hockey it is drizzling and cold – I’d much rather play in the rain and cold than mad hotness. Mr Stick, performs well and we are triumphant 5-1.

Day 9: The “change” (think the “Southerly change” of Christchurch) that was predicted in the morning holds off till touch o’clock. (7pm) and then the rain (and cold) really does come. Significant amounts of water fall on us as we wait for our game to start, and stand around waiting for the ref. The whistle goes and the rain pretty much vanishes. The field is still muddy and running is assisted by slipping and sliding, but the ball is much easier to catch without persistent precipitation. (see what I did there?) I almost scored a real try (as opposed to the gimme from a few weeks back) but instead a team mate fell face first into a puddle. Onto the trams and late night Grill’d. I’m tired, cold and wet, and make my first diversion from scheduled menu. Tonight should be The Zen Hen, but it looks boring so I leap frog to Simon Says. Which is chicken, avocado and bacon. That’s more like it. Walk home collapse onto couch drink my milk and guzzle down my burger. The avocado isn’t as good as it was last week, but overall the burger is pretty good. Bacon more noticeable on this chicken burger than it was on last week’s beef variant.

Day 10: Thursday sees me heading to the University of Melbourne to hear a lecture that claims that “Public policy on illicit drugs is the result of a complex mix of prejudice and sentiment, moral panic and conviction, and political fear and opportunism… blah blah” which seemed pretty interesting. The speaker is a research economist. Sadly, due to my inability to read, I was there a week early. So lets abort, and head to dinner. The Zen Hen, which I scorned last night, turns out to be better than expected. I have a feeling that this may be due to the inate superiority of Chicken + Satay over Beef + Satay (at least in burger form). But, I’m also open to the suggestion that they actually forgot to put satay stuff on my burger last week.

Day 11: Friday, and without my trusty Mo Bros I head to big night Friday. Tuscan Delight, of course. Which is Chicken and roasted peppers, pesto and cheese. It is, yummy. Big roasted peppery goodness and pesto is everyone’s friend. Except Si. I eat it, and look out on the world wandering past. And then I go home.

Day 12: The final chicken burger, the Grill’d Bird & Brie, which has…. Chicken, brie and cranberry! Why yes. You did in fact guess that. I manage to arrange my day such that this became breakfast/lunch and it was good. Hmm, my tenses are going a bit whacky in these little posts aren’t they. Anyway this was a fine burger. Perhaps even mighty fine. The cheese was melty and good and plentiful. As an aside, on cheese, let it be said that it is a grand thing and everyone should agree. And cheese can safely be added to all sorts of food, to make them better, BUT, it shouldn’t be added to souvlaki, for strangely it seems to be less good. Just so you know.

Day 13: With only two burgers to go, we come at last to the turn of the tide. OR, the first lamb burger. Moroccan Lamb…. Lamb, roasted peppers, tzatziki. Sunday afternoon, a pleasant stroll to Grill’d and back, and I think to myself, mmmmmm 13th free burger. This burger is the messiest burger so far, but I think that was probably 1/2 due to bringing it home. But still, messier than the burgers that have come before. It is however yummy. Sauce is good. Hmm, not much to say. It was free, it was good, and I ate it, oh yes I did.

Day 14: Still no sight of land. I make my way down Bridge Rd for dinner, knowing even as I go that what I really want is a chicken parma, the size of my head from the Nash. But I’m stubborn, and I said I’d eat my way through the menu, and eat my way through it I WILL. The Baa Baa Bruger is lamb, avocado and cheese. And it is fine. I eat it and run home for some solid slacking before quiz. Quiz is attended and despite our number, our number numbering five, we fail to do much better than our nights as three. But I have 1/2 a parma (the size of my head) as Nina and I really wanted one, despite our pre-existing dinner.

Menu (and Betting) OVER.

So, in reverse order:

Winner of the lamb burgers is the Baa Baa. While the peppers and tzatziki of the Moroccan are good, the peppers worked better with chicken. So the avocado and cheese of the Baa Baa is declared victorious.

Chicken has not traditionally been high on my burger priorities, although this has changed somewhat in recent years. Regardless, the Grill’d chicken burgers did pretty well in my tastings. In fact 3/5 rate “pretty damn good.” The Tuscan Delight with its pesto and peppers polls strongly, but is beaten out at the finish by Simon Says with his avocado and bacon, AND by the Brid and Brie, just because the brie worked really well in my particular burger. It was melty and gooey (and good).

BEEF.

Now I’m obviously no food critic. If I was I’d no doubt make claims along the lines of the plain beef burger being so lovely and something, and wonderfully something else that you should just go ahead and order that one and enjoy it’s simplicity of flavours and aromas without overloading the palette with avocado, pineapple and bacon. Well pants to that! I say get the beef burger, add cheese to it, add avocado, pineapple AND bacon, and go to town.. Summer Sunset rocks out with its cock out. The Hot Mama was surprisingly hot, yet still very nice. A comfortable second place. If you demand egg and beetroot in your burger, Mighty Melbourne is where you want to be.

Tonight after hockey (that name again is Mr Stick) I’ll get to select(or) my burger, and plan on reviewing my favourites from the recent auditions. The casting couch is open.

Speaking of which, there is an opportunity for a Mo Sista for tonight’s free burger. Both my flatmates have thumbed their noses at the opportunity… Just so you know.

So, yesterday I hit $50 in sponsorship for my Mo. Which is excellent. To be honest, while I believe in the cause that this activity is supporting, I don’t really care about going out and drumming up sponsorship. I’m certainly grateful for my sponsors, and will be sending some love back Dave’s way (as the only other participant from my stable of sponsors) But for me, this is more about an excuse to wear a perfectly ridiculous trucker moustache for a month or so, and get not the standardised “what is that munter doing?” but the glorious respect of all and sundry. RESPECT. OK, not respect, but still.

BUT, BONUS TIME is upon us (and I gots to get paid)

For, when you reach $50 in sponsorship, what do you get? You get a Movember Rewards card. Oh yes, it will be mine.

Now normally these types of rewards can be pretty weak and unexciting. And sadly for Dave, the look of the NZ (esp. Christchurch) rewards is indeed a rather poor collection of un-excitement. But for those of me lucky enough to be in Melbourne, rejoice! For Grill’d is in the pipes, five by five.

Specifically? Well specifically, Grill’d a “gourmet” burger outfit is hooking a brother up with a FREE burger EVERY day from the 13th to the 30th. That is 18 FREE burgers. And yes, you read that right. Not, one free burger between that period, or one free burger with purchase or one free lame “mo” burger or any such shenanigans. Oh no. FREE burgers my friend. Free, as in BURGER. The only restriction is I can’t get them between 6pm and 8:30pm. Oh noes! I can cope.

You wouldn’t believe how excited I am about this. While it is true I’m easily amused, this still rocks my world. I’m going to have 18 free burgers. I’m going to traverse their menu seeking out strange new burgers and I’m going to like it.

Nina made the suggestion that I wouldn’t want that many burgers. She was rightly ridiculed.

I will have my cake, and I will eat it. 18 times over.

Grilld.com.au is where you want to go. They have some number of stores Melbourne wide, one of which is close to me on the mighty Bridge Road.

Tell me what you think about me. Wait, no. I meant to say: Who would make the better chef, ninja or pirate?

Am I reusing this title? Who knows. Certainly not my hilarious capitalisation.

So, I shaved properly for the first time this century. Am I look predictably silly. But, thanks to the power of hair, I will soon revert to my standardised level of silly.

Initially I planned to simply not shave, grow a full beard and then trim it down at the end for premium moustache glory. I really do need some kind of moustache artiste to do the stylising, but I don’t have one to hand. Anyway, apparently I’m not “allowed” to do this, I must remain relatively clean shaven in the areas that are not my Mo.

The people have spoken, and they have said “Sifty handlebar please. Keep the change” So, hairy democracy in action, here I come.

To sponsor my Mo (all official like) please go to movember.com/au/donate, enter my registration number which is 110882 and your credit card details.

All paid up sponsors will get daily photos of my hairy haute horror. Or less if they feel that daily is more than they signed up for / can stomach.